Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!

Forum for questions, discussions (off topic or travel issues) in English. Please write in English and use German for asking phrases or words only.
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!

Beitrag von Bonnie » 30.01.2005 - 17:19

Hey everybody,

here are some great jokes! Have fun!!!! :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

(A True Story)

For anyone who didn't see the episode of David Letterman's show where this story was told, read this: (And remember it's a true story...)

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash
the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat" she
told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As
she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an
intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: 'These two
are going to rob me.' Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and! fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. 'My God' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted.Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. 'Take my money and spare me', she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely! , "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was
obvious! s he was having a hard time not laughing. The woman thought:
'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.' She was to humiliated to
speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do
you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as
though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The
three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.
When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her
to her room.. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were
afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her
a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to her room; a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred-dollar bill.
The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It was
signed; Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan. :grins:

And another funny one! :mrgreen:

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up

behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" He asks

"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket

with the name of Mary Ellen written on it" she replies.

"Don't be silly " he says "Two weeks ago when I went to

the races Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on".

She seems satisfied at this and apologizes.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading

when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out


When he comes around he asks "What was that for?"

His wife said, "Your f**kin' horse phoned :oops: :wink:

Don't mess with a woman!!!! :wink:

...  A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her,
"If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them
Dont dream your LIFE - LIVE your DREAM!!!
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Beitrag von Jan » 30.01.2005 - 18:39

Hey Bonnie !

Good ones ... But is the story really true - I can't believe it !


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Beitrag von mimi05 » 07.03.2005 - 13:23

Hey guys,
i found another one, it's about ALLIGATOR SHOES:

A young blonde was on vacation, driving through the Everglades. She wanted
to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was
very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and
give it a try!"

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he pulled over to the
side of the levee when he spotted that same young woman standing waist deep
in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Suddenly, he spotted a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning speed, she took aim, killed the creature and hauled it onto
the slimy bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

Struggling, the blonde flipped the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouted

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Beitrag von madab » 06.10.2005 - 09:28

Whats the difference between a tyre and 365 condoms????

One's a Good Year, and one's a bloody good year!
carpe noctem

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Beitrag von mali » 18.01.2006 - 18:57

got a joke, from an irish busdriver i met in galway.He told al lot of great jokes but i cant remember them :cry: But i hope you'l like this joke.

George w. Bush died and went to heaven. There he saw moses and decided to say him hallo. but moses didn't react and walked away. Bush was upset but decided to try it one day later. next day same story: bush said hallo but moses didn't answer. One week later bush said to himself: i was the president of the usa and i always believed in got so why doesn't he say hello? and the next time he met moses he asked him why he didn't answer. and moses said. you wann aknow why? here it is: the last time i spoke to a bush a got a lot of trouble.

When the Busdriver told it it was a lot more funnier, because he told it in his mothertounge.
Du redest laut
doch du sagts gar nichts
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Things women would like to say at work:

Beitrag von sunrise » 26.02.2006 - 16:14

A while ago a friend sent this one to me. I still cant stop laughing while reading it! (It might be posted somwhere at "reisebine" already... .)

Things Women Would Like To Say At Work

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.

2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?

5. Don't bother me; I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless ! acts of self-control?

11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.

16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.

17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look li! ke shit. Is that the style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
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Beitrag von Bonnie » 15.03.2006 - 13:40

Aussi Jokes!

During the war, a British General visited an Australian Army Hospital. Sensing a doom and gloom atmosphere he tried to rally the men by asking "Now you men didn't come here to die did you?" To which an Aussie replied " No sir, we came here yesterdie."

There's an old swaggy walking down a dusty outback road. A cocky pulls up in an old beat up ute and says, "Would you like a lift, mate?" The swaggy replies, "No way, you can open and close your own bloody gates."

As I was entering Sydney international airport the other day, the Immigration Officer stopped me.
"Do you have a criminal record?" he asked. "I didn't know you still needed one," I quipped.
Dont dream your LIFE - LIVE your DREAM!!!
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Beitrag von Bonnie » 15.03.2006 - 15:46

More Aussi Jokes!

:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you," said the American. He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call". :cool: :cool: :cool:

:grins: :grins: :grins:

Two blokes bump into eachother in the supermarket. Sorry mate, says the first one, I am a bit nervous, I lost my wife, can't find her anywhere. Second bloke replies; gee, I can't find mine either, how about we go and look for them together? Sure, says the first one, what does you wife look like? Eh well, she's blonde, long hair, tall slim body, well tanned, large breasts and she's wearing a tight fitting low cut black dress. What does your wife look like? Forget about my wife, says the other bloke, let's go and look for yours!

:grins: :grins: :grins:

Sheila wants an all over suntan but is not quite sure how to ho about it so she says to Bruce; you reckon I should go sunbathing in the nuddy in the backyard? Yeah, no worries, says Bruce, go fot it. But what if the neighbours see me naked, what will they think? Bruce; that I married you for your money.....

:grins: :grins: :grins:

Blonde to her friend; I have to be really careful not to get pregnant. Her friend; but didn't your husband get a vasectomy done recently? Yes, exactly, that's why...

:grins: :grins: :grins:

A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best.
The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.
The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.
The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.
The Aussie said we're the best, 'cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it's ass with your flag!

:grins: :grins: :grins:

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.

:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
Dont dream your LIFE - LIVE your DREAM!!!
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Beitrag von Bonnie » 15.03.2006 - 16:23

Check this out!!!!! :lol: :wink: For a good laugh :!:

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie.... :wink:

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?(USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney- can Ifollow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. . .

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise.(Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and HerveyBay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not ...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. .... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?(France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

19. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

20. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

:mrgreen: :grins: :smile:
Dont dream your LIFE - LIVE your DREAM!!!
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Beitrag von KeinZufall » 01.06.2006 - 11:57

There is a guy and he's so up himself that every birthday he sends his parents a letter of congradulations.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

It was three years before my little brother could speak.
Mum and Dad were really worried.
Then one day he said his first words: 'This food tastes terrible!'
He said it perfectly. Mum was relieved - but shocked.
She said, 'you talked! You finally talked! Why didn't you say something before this?'
And he said, ' Because everything was okay till now.'

A fellow went to a psychiatrist and the psychiatrist says, 'You're crazy.' So the guy says, 'I want a second opinion.' And the psychiatrist replies, 'Okay, you're ugly too.'

A women raced into the airport. There was a plane waiting. she asked, "Where does this plane go?'
And the airline clerk said, 'It goes to Brazil in ten minutes.' The woman said, 'Gee,that's fast!!'

I used to go to the zoo a lot. and there was a boy octopus and a girl octopus. They used to swim around hand in hand, hand in hand, hand in hand, hand in hand....
Anyway, that reminds me about this guy who was walking around with a penguin. He stopped a policeman and said, 'I just found this penguin. What should I do?' The policeman said, 'take him to the zoo.' The next day the same man was walking along with the same penguin. The policeman said, 'I thought I told you to take him to the zoo.' And the man said, 'I did and now I'm taking him to the movies.'

A man was driving along this very black road. There was no moon. Suddenly a woman with dark hair wearing a black dress stopped out in front of him and he slammed on the brakes, missing her by millimetres.
How did he see her?

One morning a garbage truck came along the street. A fellow raced out of the house and said, 'Did I miss the garbage collection?'
And the driver said, 'No, hop in."

Answer: It was a bright sunny day. :roll:
"man wird erwachsen wenn man aufhoert zu versuchen jemand anderes zu sein."
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Beitrag von leinaDM » 08.06.2006 - 19:33

Subject:: European Commission- News from Brussels

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

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Beitrag von Garfield-15 » 26.06.2006 - 21:35

Three chinese men emigrated to Australia:

- Chu decided to call himself Chuck

- Bu decided to call himself Buck

- Fu decided to go back to China
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Beitrag von KeinZufall » 09.10.2006 - 08:39


A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says: “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?â€￾
Hi wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh no,â€￾ says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.â€￾
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says: “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?â€￾
“She is in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lines with them.â€￾
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says: “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?â€￾
Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out the club.
Dave fellows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabbie turns his head and says: “Sounds like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, Dave.â€￾
"man wird erwachsen wenn man aufhoert zu versuchen jemand anderes zu sein."
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Beitrag von Inken » 29.10.2006 - 09:19

Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons and says, “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this croc’s mouth and place my genitalia inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he’ll open his mouth and I’ll remove my genitalia unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.â€￾

The crowd murmured in unanimous approval. Steve stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the crocodile’s open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, Irwin grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc hard on the top of its head.

The croc opened his mouth and he removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

Steve stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.â€￾ A hush fell over the crowd.

After awhile, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up… “I’ll try it! Just don’t hit me too hard with the beer bottle!â€￾
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Beitrag von KeinZufall » 29.11.2006 - 09:34

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet
and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she
heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God,
Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's
got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered
he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he
started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked,
with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he

After a while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some
curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes
with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed
right at the end of the run and get into my car to go home."

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always
wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope........just when it's raining".
"man wird erwachsen wenn man aufhoert zu versuchen jemand anderes zu sein."
downward spiral
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Beitrag von downward spiral » 09.01.2007 - 20:57

Happened me yesterday^^

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch
in front of the television, and tells his wife, ⌠Get me a beer before it
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, the man says, ⌠Get me another beer before it

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, ⌠Quick, get me another
beer, it's going to start any minute.].

The wife is furious. She yells at him, ⌠Is that all you're going to do
Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy,
drunken, fat slob, and furthermore]

The man sighs and says, ⌠It's started].
Beiträge: 42
Registriert: 04.04.2007 - 21:30
Wohnort: BaWü

Beitrag von ae. » 07.04.2007 - 23:33

don't let this awesome thread die :eek:

here's some Aussie humor: ... 2018:00:00

a lil sample :grins:
After every flight, Australian Qantas pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, & then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that Aussie ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots & the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has NEVER had an accident.

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: I.F.F. inoperative in O.F.F. mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
enjoy the rest!
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Beiträge: 5383
Registriert: 21.02.2005 - 13:00
Wohnort: Bangkok / Zürich

Chicken & The Horse

Beitrag von Chacco » 18.10.2007 - 14:46

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of which loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to
no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of
rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the
chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike,
the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse,
and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies,Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his 'hangy-down
thing' and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (Yep, there's a moral!)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"
neues Mitglied
Beiträge: 1
Registriert: 02.01.2012 - 10:27

Beers jokes

Beitrag von Speakout » 02.01.2012 - 10:34

Hey, can all of you tell me some bears jokes? Now it's necessary for me, because my friends have arranged a joke competition and the subject of the competition is beers jokes. Please anybody tell me beers jokes. :eek:
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Beiträge: 9
Registriert: 28.12.2011 - 23:42

Beitrag von dagobert » 09.01.2012 - 17:04

In a train carriage there were 4 people, an Englishman, a Frenchman, a
spectacular looking blonde and a really ugly woman.
After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark
tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the
tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

so, aber was sgat ihr denn zu diesem neuen --> Link gelöscht, Jean-Luc/Mod , Bitte Forumsregeln beachten<----

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